A Poem by Josh Stubb (AKA Stumanji)

[Stumanji]

I had to write this style of poem, called a "villanelle", for one of my English classes. It's a repetitive style, with several lines repeating each other. This was not an artistic touch of mine, this is a rule of villanelles. So, if you could read through this, and give me some feedback (what you like, what you don't like, what doesn't sound right, etc) that'd be great.
=============================

Rebound
By Joshua Stubb
(tentative title)

Her voice like an angel’s, soft and sweet
Her eyes a hypnotic shade of blue
She plays with her hair and smiles at me

Every word she says captivates me
Being with her makes me think of you
Her voice like an angel’s, soft and sweet

Her beauty blinds me but I can see
Something within her, something I knew
She plays with her hair and smiles at me

I cannot decide which is better for me
My new life with her? My old life with you?
Her voice like an angel’s, soft and sweet

You ended it with me so you could be free
And only now I realize I needed it too
She plays with her hair and smiles at me

I have no idea what will become of her and me
But I know I need her to help forget you
Her voice like an angel’s, soft and sweet
She plays with her hair and smiles at me

[iFrag]

Very repetitive...

[Stumanji]

That doesn't help me.

[Ender]

I'm familiar with that style and I think you did a good job. :rup: It's not my style of choice either, and it's supposed to be repetive like you have it, and you did it in a way to get the meaning of the poem across. :) A+, if I have any say. :D Assignment well done.

[Stumanji]

Thanks...

More! More! More!

It's due tomorrow, and when I go to bed I e-mail it to myself (no printer ink)... So, feedback after I go to bed will do me no good.

[Itsmeee]

*cries*

I'm so alone :'(

*cries*

(great jeaarb imo dude)

[iFrag]

Originally posted by Stumanji
That doesn't help me.

I know ;)

[Verbal]

Well done Stu, that kinda structure is really hard, but you pulled it off quite well!

[Expunge]

Originally posted by iFrag
I know ;)

Since when did being an asshole on the internet make you cool? Seriously.

[Stumanji]

UPDATE:

Alright, I was put into a group with 4 women to discuss our poetry (3 of which weren't bad looking ladies, I dare say). For the most part, my poem was received pretty well.

The only real critiques I received was that I didn't properly puncuate at the end of each line, and they wondered about my intentions there.
---- Didn't realize until they pointed it out

The other critique is that I capatilized each line
---- Habit. I'd correct that on my next draft

Other than that, they were amazed that this was actually a work of fiction.

Thanks to those that offered their opinions. The draft I posted is also the draft I turned in...

[PyroInsane]

now just write a poem like that to one of the pretty ladies and you're in.

[M4LFUNCT10N]

And then he'll receive a nasty poem from his girlfriend.

[Stumanji]

Originally posted by M4LFUNCT10N
And then he'll receive a nasty poem from his girlfriend.

If she finds out! ;)

Nah, that poem up there is basically about using another girl to get over the previous girl... I think that poem would send the wrong message to a romantic interest.

"Am I the rebound girl, you @$$hole?"

[ghrogels]

Originally posted by FeaR
Since when did being an asshole on the internet make you cool? Seriously.

ROFL

[Verbal]

Originally posted by FeaR
Since when did being an asshole on the internet make you cool? Seriously.

Since you came along, apparently. DUH! :rolleyes:



;) :tongue:

[iFrag]

Originally posted by Homeslice
Since you came along, apparently. DUH! :rolleyes:



;) :tongue:

I'm going to have to agree. :dance: